by Debra White Smith
Author, Marriage Revolution
source: CrosswaLk
My lover is mine and I am his. ~ Song of Songs 2:16
Passage: Song of Songs 2
During the last few years I have communicated with a number of wives and husbands who are concerned about their mates' other relationships. The scenario goes like this:
My mate is very good friends with someone of the opposite sex. He/she spends lots of time with this person either on the phone or in person. I even overhear him/her talking about me and our marriage. I have expressed concern over this friendship, but my spouse repeatedly tells me that they're nothing but friends and I'm just being jealous.
Sometimes the friendship existed before the couple got married, so the mate has had a platonic-but-close friendship with this special friend for years and has no intention of putting boundaries on it. Often the spouse who is expressing concern feels deeply betrayed and frustrated. And well he or she should.
Many times what is going on is an emotional affair. Emotional affairs happen when a platonic friendship turns into a crush or thoughts are entertained such as, "If I were single, this is the person I'd go after." Sometimes light flirting happens. When the spouse involved in the emotional affair gripes or puts down his or her spouse or discusses negatives about the marriage, verbal infidelity has occurred. Often verbal unfaithfulness coupled with an emotional affair leads to sexual infidelity.
Emotional affairs resemble a sexually chaste dating relationship. When coworkers have emotional affairs, they regularly do special things for each other, such as bake cookies or small repair jobs. They might walk to their cars together at the end of the day and spend breaks and lunchtime with each other. Many times when a man has an affair with his secretary, she starts out doing thoughtful, wifely things for him. This grows into a friendship, which blossoms into an emotional affair, which eventually becomes sexual.
In order to combat any chances of an emotional affair, some Christians run every time they see someone of the opposite sex. This is really only necessary if the person is spiritually, emotionally, or sexually weak. In such cases, the remedy lies in strengthening the marriage and his or her relationship with God to the point that fierce loyalty to the spouse and the Lord overrides temptation.
People have to work and interact with people of the opposite sex. In our ministry, my husband and I are surrounded by male and female acquaintances and associates. We're both very careful to not let any of these friendships grow into a relationship that might lead to an emotional affair. If we sense someone is too interested, Daniel and I report to each other with a "What do you think? Am I being paranoid or do you think this person might be trying to warm up to me?"
Many times Daniel and I validate what the other is sensing. Then we quietly put boundaries on that person. I've found that sometimes Christians who are wholly dedicated to the Lord can go from one emotional affair to another without realizing or recognizing what's happening.
Occasionally baking cookies for business associates or walking to a vehicle together or having a business-related lunch doesn't automatically mean someone is having an emotional affair. These deeds can be a necessity or simply a polite consideration and nothing more. However, it's wise to be on guard so that habitual kindnesses don't grow into more…not only for you, but also for the other party.
As the outgoing, friendly sort who talks to everyone, I've learned the hard way that those who are emotionally needy can view the offer of friendship as something more personal and serious. Now that I'm a much older and wiser woman, I'm polite but careful to never give men a reason to think I'm available emotionally or otherwise. I also frequently mention God, my husband, and my family and keep conversations benign.
If you or your mate has experienced an emotional affair, perhaps the marriage isn't meeting the needs or fulfilling the one involved in the affair. I'm not saying that the emotional affair is the fault of the other spouse, but I am saying that often trouble in a marriage can drive inappropriate emotional attachments. In most cases problems in a marriage exist because both spouses contribute in some way. If an emotional affair turns into a sexual affair, and then a divorce and remarriage occur, the people involved will likely fall into a similar dysfunction again.
Examine your heart for any signs of an emotional affair. If your spouse is uncomfortable with a friendship you nurture, put some boundaries on that friendship. Don't enable a spouse's inappropriate jealousies that are bred by control and insecurity, but be sensitive. If you're spending time with and getting attached to a person of the opposite sex, your spouse will sense that and voice objections. Listen to your mate. Don't discount what he or she says.
Father, please show me any emotional affairs I might be blind to. Also, make me aware of anyone who is too close to me. Help me put kind-but-firm boundaries on that relationship. I want to be faithful to my mate sexually, verbally, and emotionally. And, Lord, please give my mate the same desires. Give us the wisdom and discernment to avoid unhealthy emotional attachments that violate our wedding vows. Bring us to a point in our marriage where we can joyfully say, "My lover is mine, and I am my lover's" and mean it.
Excerpted from
Marriage Revolution: Rethinking Your Relationship in Light of God's Design (Harvest House Publishers) by Debra White Smith. © 2008 Debra White Smith. Used with permission. All rights reserved.
Debra White Smith has 52 books to her credit and more than a million books in print, including Romancing Your Husband, Romancing Your Wife, and many fiction romances. Debra's award-winning writing, biblical knowledge, and entertaining humor have made her a reader favorite and a sought-after conference speaker.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Do You Feel You Have to Do it All?
by Sandy Coughlin
source: Crosswalk
"We need a balance between work and play, between kindness and firmness, between waiting and praying, between saving and spending, between wanting too much and expecting too little, between warm acceptance and keen discernment, between grace and truth. The longer I live, the more I must fight the tendency to go to extremes … and the more I value balance." (Taken from Chuck Swindoll's Living Beyond the Daily Grind)
I receive heartfelt emails from readers on a daily basis. This one touched a chord with me, and I bet she is not the only woman who feels this way! See what you think, if she resonates with you:
I have a question. I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately with all the demands from school for me to volunteer, driving kids to sports events, teaching bible class, etc. It all takes up so much of my time, I couldn't even fathom entertaining, much less actually being able to get anything done. How do you balance everything? Do you put a limit on outside demands? I'm feeling a little frustrated this week, and need a little advice if you have a couple minutes to spare.
Goodness – her life sounds like my life and, I bet, most American moms' lives!
There once was a season where I thought I had to do it all. I've now pulled back from too much volunteer work (I put my time in for many years!), and I don't go to parties (or Bunko) during weekday evenings. I've even limited myself to how I want to serve at church. Just for this season, I value being available for my family. How much longer will we all be together? When the kids are gone, I will have so much more free time to volunteer.
My husband was the one who helped me attain this concept.I used to feel guilty if I didn't "serve," but now that I have learned that serving begins smack-dab in the middle of my home, I'm freed up to reach out in different ways. For example, some of the ways I get to serve is through Balcony Girls (done in my home), making meals for others, taking cookies to neighbors, feeding teachers, having a friend over for lunch, setting up meals for a needy family, and making sure there is plenty of food for my teens (and their starving friends ). I've even been a college mentor through a scholarship program – again, pretty much done in my own home. And in the midst of serving those outside my family I, of course, prioritize serving my husband by balancing "date nights " – something I hugely value for a healthy marriage and great for my kids to witness!
Tips on Bringing it Home Even though I've managed to bring much of my life home, I still need to be intentional at seeking out balance. I actually work from home so I have to be incredibly disciplined with my time. It feels horrible when my home gets out of control -- and believe me, it does! -- because I'm working almost full-time. I only shop when I absolutely have to. And during this season, I squeeze in necessary alone time by getting up early to exercise with wonderful running partners then coming back for a quick study on my own (currently working through Beth Moore's Fruit of the Spirit study).
Less is More. Less time in my car is more time at home. We are blessed to be about 0.8 mile away from the kids' schools and activities so I do very little driving around. For the times that I need to get somewhere, I set up a carpool. I'll drive one way and arrange for another parent to drive the other way.
I've learned to say "No" to many outside activities so I can keep my home flowing and at the same time teach my kids about hospitality and the art of homemaking.
Hospitality on a Limited Schedule. As I mentioned before, hospitality rarely leaves my home in this increasingly busy season of life – but if it does, it goes with me in the form of a meal, cookies, flowers, or time to someone in need. Pick and choose what is important to you and what you want your kids to learn from it. Here's one practical example of reaching out on a limited schedule.
I got up early one morning last week and turned the oven on to 350 degrees.I pulled my Ziploc bag of Snicker Doodle cookie dough out of the freezer. My daughter and I made up a double batch of dough this past weekend, rolled half of it up into balls, spun them around in a bowl of cinnamon and sugar, and then froze them in Ziplocs. This is the best way to have fresh cookies come out of your oven – in a snap! I had pre-arranged to take dinner to a friend that morning, a friend who'd recently had surgery. Her family became the lovely recipient of freshly-baked Snicker Doodles plus a dinner of Mango Crockpot Chicken , fresh tortillas, and all the fixings to go with it (and canned salsa from my sis's garden)!
Even a quick gesture can make a big difference in someone's life. I am still learning the art of this balancing act.
I like to think that the older I get, the wiser I am becoming with my time as I learn from others.
Sandy Coughlin is a wife and mother of 3. She loves her family and loves blessing other people's lives by entertaining in her home. Sandy's husband, Paul, (who used to be the reluctant entertainer) has come on board, and they often offer hospitality together. Sandy and Paul co-authored a book called Married but Not Engaged(Bethany House, Aug. 2006). It's written to women who are married to "checked out" or emotionally absent men and who want to create a more satisfying, intimate relationship. This article was adapted from Sandy's regularly updated blog "4 Reluctant Entertainers," which you can visit at http://www.reluctantentertainer.com/. Get more information on Married but Not Engaged by clicking here. Visit Paul's website at: http://www.paulcoughlin.net/
source: Crosswalk
"We need a balance between work and play, between kindness and firmness, between waiting and praying, between saving and spending, between wanting too much and expecting too little, between warm acceptance and keen discernment, between grace and truth. The longer I live, the more I must fight the tendency to go to extremes … and the more I value balance." (Taken from Chuck Swindoll's Living Beyond the Daily Grind)
I receive heartfelt emails from readers on a daily basis. This one touched a chord with me, and I bet she is not the only woman who feels this way! See what you think, if she resonates with you:
I have a question. I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately with all the demands from school for me to volunteer, driving kids to sports events, teaching bible class, etc. It all takes up so much of my time, I couldn't even fathom entertaining, much less actually being able to get anything done. How do you balance everything? Do you put a limit on outside demands? I'm feeling a little frustrated this week, and need a little advice if you have a couple minutes to spare.
Goodness – her life sounds like my life and, I bet, most American moms' lives!
There once was a season where I thought I had to do it all. I've now pulled back from too much volunteer work (I put my time in for many years!), and I don't go to parties (or Bunko) during weekday evenings. I've even limited myself to how I want to serve at church. Just for this season, I value being available for my family. How much longer will we all be together? When the kids are gone, I will have so much more free time to volunteer.
My husband was the one who helped me attain this concept.I used to feel guilty if I didn't "serve," but now that I have learned that serving begins smack-dab in the middle of my home, I'm freed up to reach out in different ways. For example, some of the ways I get to serve is through Balcony Girls (done in my home), making meals for others, taking cookies to neighbors, feeding teachers, having a friend over for lunch, setting up meals for a needy family, and making sure there is plenty of food for my teens (and their starving friends ). I've even been a college mentor through a scholarship program – again, pretty much done in my own home. And in the midst of serving those outside my family I, of course, prioritize serving my husband by balancing "date nights " – something I hugely value for a healthy marriage and great for my kids to witness!
Tips on Bringing it Home Even though I've managed to bring much of my life home, I still need to be intentional at seeking out balance. I actually work from home so I have to be incredibly disciplined with my time. It feels horrible when my home gets out of control -- and believe me, it does! -- because I'm working almost full-time. I only shop when I absolutely have to. And during this season, I squeeze in necessary alone time by getting up early to exercise with wonderful running partners then coming back for a quick study on my own (currently working through Beth Moore's Fruit of the Spirit study).
Less is More. Less time in my car is more time at home. We are blessed to be about 0.8 mile away from the kids' schools and activities so I do very little driving around. For the times that I need to get somewhere, I set up a carpool. I'll drive one way and arrange for another parent to drive the other way.
I've learned to say "No" to many outside activities so I can keep my home flowing and at the same time teach my kids about hospitality and the art of homemaking.
Hospitality on a Limited Schedule. As I mentioned before, hospitality rarely leaves my home in this increasingly busy season of life – but if it does, it goes with me in the form of a meal, cookies, flowers, or time to someone in need. Pick and choose what is important to you and what you want your kids to learn from it. Here's one practical example of reaching out on a limited schedule.
I got up early one morning last week and turned the oven on to 350 degrees.I pulled my Ziploc bag of Snicker Doodle cookie dough out of the freezer. My daughter and I made up a double batch of dough this past weekend, rolled half of it up into balls, spun them around in a bowl of cinnamon and sugar, and then froze them in Ziplocs. This is the best way to have fresh cookies come out of your oven – in a snap! I had pre-arranged to take dinner to a friend that morning, a friend who'd recently had surgery. Her family became the lovely recipient of freshly-baked Snicker Doodles plus a dinner of Mango Crockpot Chicken , fresh tortillas, and all the fixings to go with it (and canned salsa from my sis's garden)!
Even a quick gesture can make a big difference in someone's life. I am still learning the art of this balancing act.
I like to think that the older I get, the wiser I am becoming with my time as I learn from others.
Sandy Coughlin is a wife and mother of 3. She loves her family and loves blessing other people's lives by entertaining in her home. Sandy's husband, Paul, (who used to be the reluctant entertainer) has come on board, and they often offer hospitality together. Sandy and Paul co-authored a book called Married but Not Engaged(Bethany House, Aug. 2006). It's written to women who are married to "checked out" or emotionally absent men and who want to create a more satisfying, intimate relationship. This article was adapted from Sandy's regularly updated blog "4 Reluctant Entertainers," which you can visit at http://www.reluctantentertainer.com/. Get more information on Married but Not Engaged by clicking here. Visit Paul's website at: http://www.paulcoughlin.net/
Living by a code of honor
By Rebekah Montgomery
It was a mistake. I knew it then and I admit it now.
I was in Atlanta attending a conference where I didn't know hardly anyone. Lonely, I decided to telephone an old friend living there. He came down to my hotel, picked me up, and you can guess what happened next: He fed me barbecue. We talked over old times. Laughed a lot. Then he dropped me back at my hotel about 9:30. No romance. No attraction. Not even a peck on the cheek.
But it was wrong, not because I am a married woman - my husband knew and approved the dinner - but because I am Bible teacher. The Scriptures are clear: God Himself holds those who teach the Word to higher standard. By the way, so do the world and our students. (James 3:1) For this reason as well as others, I take the privilege of teaching the Word very seriously.
As women who minister, our mistakes can be more dangerous than physician malpractice. If a doctor blunders, the patient may die. If we goof up, someone could go to hell to die forever - and take her family with her. As Jesus commented, we would be better off dead than cause someone to sin. (Matthew 18:6)
So I have adopted a Code of Honor for my ministry and I want to share the condensed version with you. It is not meant to restrict as much as protect the Lord's reputation, my reputation, and those who are new believers or seekers from being offended. It is a dynamic document. As I learn, either by instruction or from a mistake, I amend it. But I share it with you now, and perhaps it will serve as a pattern for a Code of Honor for your ministry, too.
A Women's Ministry Code of Honor
When I quote Scripture in a teaching, I will look it up in context to be certain that I am not twisting it to make my point. I will try to memorize the passage so I quote it correctly.
I will make sure that any teaching showcases Jesus and His truth, not me or my pet subject.
When I speak, I will not tell anecdotes about my children or husband without their permission.
When I am a guest at a church, I will not publicly dispute doctrinal issues with which I disagree. I will conform to their social and religious customs provided they do not disagree with my basic faith tenets.
will dress modestly in public at all times.
When I am teaching the Word, I will dress in such as way as to not call undue attention to myself or be distracting.
will not be alone or meet privately with a member of the opposite sex who is not a close family member. If I do have a meeting, it will be in a public place or with someone else present.
I will not pray with or privately counsel a member of the opposite sex who is not a close relative.
I will not flirt in any way with a member of the opposite sex. (Except my hubby, and then watch the sparks!)
absolutely will not discuss anything of a private sexual nature with a member of the opposite sex.
I will not laugh at suggestive stories or jokes.
I will love and treat others as I wish to be treated, considering everyone as beloved by God regardless of their sexual orientation, social status, race, religion, criminal record, addiction, or lifestyle.
I am a servant, not a master. I wash feet, not stand on a pedestal.
I will not take money to pray for or with someone. Since I am not a trained counselor, I will not take money to counsel someone.
What someone tells me in confidence remains private unless he/she has committed a crime that by law I have to report.
I will not pretend to be perfect. But neither will I strip down to my emotional underwear for the purpose of attention.
I will be transparent and accountable. When I'm wrong or hurt, I'll admit it. If I make a public mistake, I'll admit it publicly.
I will be quick to apologize. I will seek restoration.
I will be scrupulously honest in any area that deals with money. I will take a loss rather than allow any suspicion of financial mishandling.
I will avoid personal habits (use of alcohol, smoking, gambling, etc.) that might cause others to sin.
I do not publicly discuss my own political views, but if someone asks privately, I will share my opinion.
Whether I am in public or private, I will be aware that I am a representative of Christ, and because He has entrusted me to teach His Word, my actions have greater repercussions.
© Rebekah Montgomery 2008
It was a mistake. I knew it then and I admit it now.
I was in Atlanta attending a conference where I didn't know hardly anyone. Lonely, I decided to telephone an old friend living there. He came down to my hotel, picked me up, and you can guess what happened next: He fed me barbecue. We talked over old times. Laughed a lot. Then he dropped me back at my hotel about 9:30. No romance. No attraction. Not even a peck on the cheek.
But it was wrong, not because I am a married woman - my husband knew and approved the dinner - but because I am Bible teacher. The Scriptures are clear: God Himself holds those who teach the Word to higher standard. By the way, so do the world and our students. (James 3:1) For this reason as well as others, I take the privilege of teaching the Word very seriously.
As women who minister, our mistakes can be more dangerous than physician malpractice. If a doctor blunders, the patient may die. If we goof up, someone could go to hell to die forever - and take her family with her. As Jesus commented, we would be better off dead than cause someone to sin. (Matthew 18:6)
So I have adopted a Code of Honor for my ministry and I want to share the condensed version with you. It is not meant to restrict as much as protect the Lord's reputation, my reputation, and those who are new believers or seekers from being offended. It is a dynamic document. As I learn, either by instruction or from a mistake, I amend it. But I share it with you now, and perhaps it will serve as a pattern for a Code of Honor for your ministry, too.
A Women's Ministry Code of Honor
When I quote Scripture in a teaching, I will look it up in context to be certain that I am not twisting it to make my point. I will try to memorize the passage so I quote it correctly.
I will make sure that any teaching showcases Jesus and His truth, not me or my pet subject.
When I speak, I will not tell anecdotes about my children or husband without their permission.
When I am a guest at a church, I will not publicly dispute doctrinal issues with which I disagree. I will conform to their social and religious customs provided they do not disagree with my basic faith tenets.
will dress modestly in public at all times.
When I am teaching the Word, I will dress in such as way as to not call undue attention to myself or be distracting.
will not be alone or meet privately with a member of the opposite sex who is not a close family member. If I do have a meeting, it will be in a public place or with someone else present.
I will not pray with or privately counsel a member of the opposite sex who is not a close relative.
I will not flirt in any way with a member of the opposite sex. (Except my hubby, and then watch the sparks!)
absolutely will not discuss anything of a private sexual nature with a member of the opposite sex.
I will not laugh at suggestive stories or jokes.
I will love and treat others as I wish to be treated, considering everyone as beloved by God regardless of their sexual orientation, social status, race, religion, criminal record, addiction, or lifestyle.
I am a servant, not a master. I wash feet, not stand on a pedestal.
I will not take money to pray for or with someone. Since I am not a trained counselor, I will not take money to counsel someone.
What someone tells me in confidence remains private unless he/she has committed a crime that by law I have to report.
I will not pretend to be perfect. But neither will I strip down to my emotional underwear for the purpose of attention.
I will be transparent and accountable. When I'm wrong or hurt, I'll admit it. If I make a public mistake, I'll admit it publicly.
I will be quick to apologize. I will seek restoration.
I will be scrupulously honest in any area that deals with money. I will take a loss rather than allow any suspicion of financial mishandling.
I will avoid personal habits (use of alcohol, smoking, gambling, etc.) that might cause others to sin.
I do not publicly discuss my own political views, but if someone asks privately, I will share my opinion.
Whether I am in public or private, I will be aware that I am a representative of Christ, and because He has entrusted me to teach His Word, my actions have greater repercussions.
© Rebekah Montgomery 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The Secret to Knowing God
Bayless Conley
source: CrossWalk
How to walk in deeper intimacy with your Creator
Deep down, I truly believe every Christian wants to experience a deeply personal and intimate relationship with God. And I also believe each and every believer in Christ can have this kind of relationship with their Creator.
But there is often a problem in how we approach God. We often go to Him looking for rewards… or we're constantly asking Him for things. Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't go to God with our cares and burdens. In fact, He tells us in 1 Peter 5:7 to tell Him about our concerns because He cares so much for us.
But if you want to know God… I mean, really know Him… there is another prayer He wants to hear from you. It's a prayer like the one we hear Moses pray in Exodus 33:13.
In my mind, this is one of the greatest prayers in all of Scripture:
"Now therefore, I pray, if I have found grace in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You and that I may find grace in Your sight."
Moses didn't just say, "Come with us, God" but he said, "Show me Your way because, God, I want to know You." And then Moses added to it in verse 18, when He said, "Please, show me Your glory."
The Hebrew word for "glory" literally means "weight, mass, or substance." So in essence Moses is saying, "God, I want to know what You're made of. I don't just want to know about You. I want to know You. I want to know who You are."
The word that Moses used when he said he wanted to know God is the same word that's used in Genesis 4:1 where it says, "Adam knew Eve his wife." Moses is requesting to have the most personal, intimate relationship with God. He wants to draw close to God.
Friend, prayers like that touch the heart of God because not too many people pray them!
read a story about Abraham Lincoln that took place during the Civil War. A woman actually came to the White House and somehow got in with a plate full of cookies.
When she finally got through to the president, she said, "Mr. President, I don't want anything at all. I was just thinking about you today and the load that you are carrying… and I just thought maybe some cookies would brighten up your day."
Lincoln began to weep and said, "Madam, I see a great many people every day, and they want a great many things from me. But of all the people I've seen since being in office, you are the first one that has ever come not asking something of me but wanting to bring something to me."
While God delights in answering our prayer, He also desires for us to bring something to Him. But how often do we... do you… come just to bring Him something?
It's the kind of prayer that says, "God, I want to know You. I just want to hang out. I want to find out who You are. Show me what You are made of."
Friend, I think we can all know God in a personal and intimate way… just like Moses did… the way Paul did… even the way Abraham did.
Paul cried out in Philippians 3:10, "that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection." And Abraham discovered what God meant when He said in Genesis 15:1, "I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward."
Life is about knowing God! So let me challenge you today to pray a prayer like this:
God, show me who You are. I'm not coming with a request. I've got a long list, but I'll leave it outside the door for now. God, I'm just coming to You because I want to know You. I just want to make Your heart happy. I want to make You smile. God, show me Your ways.
Doing this will delight the heart of God! And you'll be surprised at some of the things that begin to happen within your life when you pray this prayer. Because I truly believe God is crying out, saying "Oh, that they walk in My ways!"
He wants you to know Him today!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
4 Types of Friends Every Pastor Needs
Ike Reighard
source : CW
Pastors may be the most well-known, loneliest men on the face of the earth. Friendship is a vital part of New Testament ministry and leadership. Without quality, biblical friendships, we are modeling a flawed Christian lifestyle for our church members. Yet, for many, the difficulties of pastoral friendships outweigh the benefits.
Most pastors find themselves in an unhealthy relationship where their wife is their only friend and counselor. If a pastor continues to project his problems onto his wife, she will grow disillusioned and desperate to leave the ministry. I believe a pastor's wife should be his best friend, but she should not be his only friend.
n my 30 years of ministry, I have learned that every pastor needs at least four types of friends:
The Developer
Your best friend will always be the person who brings out the very best in you. According to Billy Graham, he wouldn't have made it as an evangelist if he had to minister alone. Over 53 years ago, Billy Graham met his staff and best friends: Cliff Barrows, George Beverly Shea, and Grady Wilson. These three men protected him, strengthened him, counseled with their wisdom, and corrected him when he needed it. He is convinced that without these friends he would have burned out within a few years after his first groundbreaking crusade in 1949 ( Just as I Am: The Autobiography of Billy Graham, pp. 125-129).
Developer friends will bring the gift of encouragement to a pastor's life and bring out the very best in him.
The Designer
We tend to think of mentors as a personal, hands-on coach. The Latin and Greek define them more as "advisors" or "wise men." Jesus was a master mentor. He ministered to thousands, trained hundreds, equipped twelve, and had an intimate friendship with three men.
The designer mentors us in our marriage, ministry, child-rearing, civic involvement, business acumen, or any area where we need a model. Designer mentors may live near or far, be acquaintances or strangers, or may even be dead. They "design" our lives through Scripture, books, tapes, articles, or seminars.
The Disturber
We need friends who will shake up our status quo. Disturbers ask us difficult questions, forcing us to take a closer look at motivations and ambitions. Disturbers know when we have retreated into our comfort zones, and they call us out to greater effectiveness. God uses disturbers in our lives to become the object of greater force that breaks inertia and propels us to greater achievement.
A biblical picture of a disturber is in Deuteronomy 32:11. In this passage the mother eagle tears up the soft nest to reveal sharp thorns that bring discomfort to the eaglets. Because of discomfort, the eaglets leave the nest and learn to fly. The mother develops her young by repeatedly pushing them out of the nest and catching them until they become skilled flyers. Eagles were never meant to stay in the nest and neither were we. The disturber pushes us to learn to fly.
The Discerner
In a lifetime of relationships, perhaps only a handful of people are willing to play this vital role because it requires mutual vulnerability. More popularly known as accountability partners, discerners bring the gift of spiritual insight into our lives. They know how to speak the truth in love. They know how to exhort and rebuke, seeking to keep their friend on the right track. They are also vulnerable—the true friends who will walk into the room of your life while everyone else is walking out.
Proverbs 27:6 reads, "The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive." Always be slow in choosing your discerners and even slower in leaving them.
If you are a typical pastor without close friendships, I urge you to seek them out. They may keep you in ministry for the long haul, and your wife will thank you.
Ike Reighard is the Founding Pastor of NorthStar Church in Kennesaw, Georgia . Adapted by Craig Webb from a previously published article.
© 2001-2007, LifeWay Christian Resources. Repurposed from the Praying Pastor Blog of the National Pastors' Prayer Network.
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